Friday, January 18, 2008

Top 10 Reasons the U.S.A. Could Never Lay a Beating on Canada

Young, inexperienced, coffee-inhaling Stephen Altrogge thought he came up with ten reasons that the USA could beat up Canada. I am tired, sick and at the end of a long week, but feel it is my duty to gently rebuke this delicate brother. Thus, I give you my Top 10 Reasons the U.S.A. Could Never Lay a Beating on Canada:

10. Americans are fatter than Canadians. Fully 50% of Americans are overweight compared to 33.33% of Canadians. That means we are faster and nimbler in close hand-to-hand combat. Not only that, but we take less time to eat so we don’t need as many soldiers.

9. Canadians spend 10 months of the year very cold. We know how to endure hardship and catch fish when there is ice.

8. Canadians are much quieter than Americans – ask any European! Thus, we can sneak up on people like fierce Ninja Warriors and take care of business. Chuck Norris makes more noise than a polar bear on steroids just walking to his car – easy target.

7. Have you ever fought a Queen? Crowns puncture.

6. Two words: Tim Horton’s

5. We have an endless supply of Maple Syrup, and as everyone knows, maple syrup comes from maple trees.

4. From an early age, all our young men are trained in the art of “jerseying.” For those of you who think you need to say the word, “ice” before “hockey,” that means flipping an opponents upper body outerwear over his head to cover his face in less than one quarter of a second. Obviously, this leaves the enemy combatant in a state of complete helplessness... a move I would be pleased to demonstrate on a young Altrogge as soon as possible.

3. Tim Challies. You think 1539 days of consecutive blogging is something? You haven’t seen anything yet. All we have to do is say the word and Tim will unleash his lightening fast hands to produce over 200 words per minute of new content onto the internet, thus crashing all U.S. military defense systems in less than 48 hours.

2. Everyone knows that Americans have very little sense of humour, so, in the event of an attempted beating we would simply bring all our Canadian comedians and artists back to Canada... and bore you to death. Well, almost all of our Canadian artists. You can keep William Shatner.

1. If you attempt to cross our long, undefended border, we will make you eat poutine. And visit Quebec.

Thank you very much.


  1. Aren't most Canadians just former Americans who went north to avoid military service? Probably if John Candy really DID cross the border, most of the residents then, would simply go to whatever is north of Canada.

  2. Paul,

    I love it! Well done. Okay, so maybe the fight would be pretty even...

  3. Poutine doesn't scare me! We are the home of both the deep-fried Twinkee AND the deep-fried Snickers bar. We will launch them across the St. Lawrence River in an artillery barrage that will bury Montreal. Then we will invade and have those Frenchies speaking English by the end of the second day.

  4. Stephen -

    Keep your jersey on.


  5. Anonymous -

    You can have Quebec. Vive le non resistance!

  6. Okay, calm down now. I'm all the way with you except for the Quebec part. Who would trick the americans with unintelligible french codes if it wasn't for us, the smart, good-looking, smoked-meat/poutine-eaters, canadian francophones??
    By the way, you could use some of the french cuisine to support the troops. Since all americans emptied their french wine bottles in the toilet and renamed the "freedom fries", they won't last long with big mac's and slurpees.
    the re-converted french/canadian.

  7. After seeing Altrogge's comment yesterday, I knew you'd come through for us. Canada can always count on Paul Martin (hmm - something sounds wrong about that).

    Anyways, thanks for defending "our true north strong and free."

  8. a polar bear on steroids just walking to his car

    Polar bears on steroids are driving now?

    ...Americans have very little sense of humour...

    That's just because we don't have time for that extraneous 'u'.

  9. This should be published in MACLEANS!

  10. Why would anyone even want Canada if it weren't for Quebec

  11. Paul, as an American, I have to dispute the sense of humor thing. However, I agree that Tim Horton's is dangerous. In fact, in my years in Upstate New York, I noticed 2 things:

    1. Tim Horton's were infiltrating the area.
    2. New York residents were hooked.

    So, I posited years ago that Canada is invading the US right now . . . through Tim Hortons! Beware, fellow Americans! We need to fight this infiltration of our borders, or it will be too late! We need to send our own invasion force back - something really Southern, like Cracker Barrel, or maybe KFC. Or Papa Johns.

  12. Oh yeah, #5 is terrifying . . .

  13. Oh, the PROC? Peoples Republic of Canada? Never heard of it.