Poem: The Meaning of Christmas (at the Mall)

One way to understand a culture is to study the songs, poems and art that it cherishes. Some have argued that you cannot understand a culture until you can interpret its poetry...even write it. I took this challenge to heart this year in my effort to understand Christmas.
Although I was rather certain I had a good grasp of the meaning of this holiday, my recent study exposed some gaping holes in my knowledge. Thus, I took it upon myself to write a poem that reflected the true meaning of Christmas... from the perspective of mall music.
I am rather excited about it… even with the somewhat Puritanical Title…

The Meaning of Christmas
(or, a Reflective Sonnet Upon the Various and Sundry Nuances and Fancies of December in North America)
A long time ago in Bethelehem
In a winter wonderland
A little drummer boy drove into town
With Frosty the Snowman

Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up let’s go
They sang that midnight clear
And turned their headlights way down low
To avoid red-nosed Reindeer

The boy had five golden rings
Frosty, two turtle doves
And stuffed with figgy pudding then
They gleamed the light of love

They drove on city sidewalks (busy sidewalks!)
To a certain unstirring house
And met three wise men at the door
Of Mr. and Mrs. Klaus

A fat man wearing red underwear
Answered the door with a list
And elvish folk rocked ‘round the tree
Singing of their dental wish

Then someone called on Frosty’s cell
And said they would be home
The boy began to play his drum
The wise guys read a star tome

Parson Brown knocked at the door
Bearing awfully bad news
“Grandma was reindeer-trampled
After drinking too much booze”

So, Mrs. Klaus called the cop
To charge, he did not know
But then a thumpety-thump-thump
Was heard on hills of snow

For Frosty owned that herd of deer
And afraid it was his Cupid
He snuck off to retrieve his pet
But this, my friends, was stupid

For all the rest chased him far
And he started to perspire
Which when you’re made of snow and ice
Is like you’re eating fire

And so ‘neath lights of red and green
They chased him on the double
But when they caught the culprit snowman
He was nothing but a puddle

And so this cryptic story
Its message now construes...
And once I figure what that is
I’ll be sure to tell all of yous.